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Killer Angels

Killer Angels

I was hoping you could look over my query. Feel free to post it on your site if you wish.

I offer the warning in my sidebar because an honest look at what an editor is thinking while reading a query is often NOT what people want. Indeed, some authors queries are like Roy Schneider dangling red meat over the side of a boat.

Information, however, is power-- and more power to all authors!

Dear Editor,

For seventeen-year-old Nicola Summers, finding her boyfriend Tristan chained to the driveway after being mugged by a street gang was not part of the plan.

No kidding, really? That wasnt part of the plan?

Something "wasnt part of the plan" is a terrible cliche in queries. Still, we might forgive it if its used acceptably--this isnt. This is akin to saying "Being enslaved by alien Elvis clones was not part of the plan." I think I can safely say that no one has EVER planned for this.

Beaten and knowing the rain is underway, he rejects Nicola’s help.

What? The rain is underway? What does that mean?

Determined, Nicola tries to liberate him, but when the rain arrives and hits his kin, she witnesses the impossible: out of thin air, Tristan sprouts wings.

Oh, you meant "on the way" not "underway". (And I assume you meant "skin" not "kin".) But that sentence would still have been confusing even with the right phrase in it.

"Out of thin air" is another cliche. (Was it really out of thin air? Or... was it out of his shoulders?)

Consumed by an animalistic instinct to protect his identity, Tristan attacks the person he holds most dear and nearly ends her life.

That is not what "animalistic" means.

But after the encounter with her winged-monster-of-a-boyfriend, Nicola’s not sure who to trust with the information—who would ever believe her?

The people who see the bruises? Wounds? Angel dust?

Which makes me wonder, how does he nearly end her life? He didnt try to drown her in a puddle, did he? There must be marks?

She can’t decide whether to pack her bags and move with her mother or finding him.

I know this kind of verb tense inconsistency is an easy mistake to make when youve rewritten something a lot, but it makes it look like you dont understand grammar.

When she seeks answers with the help of her best friend, Tara, Nicola finds herself near a truth that is more terrifying and heartbreaking than anything she imagined.

Just "near" the truth?

First, Tara reveals she is Tristan’s sister.

That doesnt sound terrifying or heartbreaking.

Second, Nicola discovers she is only alive because Tristan unconsciously chose her as his soul mate.

Neither does that. Kinda creepy and stalker-ish, though, since how in heck can she not have a say about who her soulmate is?

And third, he’s dying.

Ah, thats the heartbreaking part, I guess?

Tristan elected staying in his human form

Another verb/grammar problem. For editors, one is a typo; two is Highly Worrying; and three is Oh Hell No.

to prevent his kin of angels from seeing his memories and killing Nicola for what she knows. But how is Nicola supposed to save him when he is dying to save her? TITLE REDACTED, a YA fantasy novel is complete at 90,000 words.

Since when do angels kill people for knowing about them?

We in publishing are getting pretty tired of paranormal romance, including the recent sub-trend in angels, but we do generally tire of trends much faster than the reading public, who are less aware of them.

So you may be able to sell this, even though its not clear whether youre doing anything markedly different from Hush Hush and Fallen (etc). But this query needs to be clearer and much better proofread, and Im guessing your novel may need those things, too.

Good luck!

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